Side effects include...

I love me some football.

I watched the majority of the bowl games even though I think the bowl system is a sham by greedy corporations. Of course judging by the empty stadium at the GMAC bowl and the downfall of Detroit I suspect we might be a few bowls shorter by the end of this year. Raise your hand if you had Robocop as the first Sci-Fi movie to come true.

My Seahawks were a mess this year but I still managed to catch at least one game on Sunday and I’ve watched most of the playoff games to date. Raise your hand if you thought home field advantage meant something.

During my viewership I've noticed a disturbing trend. Something wicked this way comes my friends. A dark cloud descends upon my grid iron gladiators. I’m not talking about Football in the great Northwest. I’m talking about commercials.

Not the sweet catchy tune of “Feeling kinda Sunday” that my son likes to hum as he colors or the short dude that wrecks the DJ table as he shows off his dance moves that makes me laugh every time.

I’m talking about the dick pills.

For some insane reason the marketing geniuses have figured out that the only males that watch football these days have one or both of the following problems.

I can’t pee regularly and when I do I can only squeeze out a few drops.

OR

I can’t achieve an erection at just the right moment.

Every commercial break, without fail, in this years College and NFL games had a commercial advertising a pill that cured one of these disorders. Hell, sometimes they bookended the commercial break with both them in an bid to solve both my problems in just two minutes and two seconds. AWESOME.

First we have a group of gray haired men doing all sorts of neat shit. Golfing, taking a plane ride, taking a boat ride, cruising along in a convertible. The narrator is lamenting the fact that one or more of the gentlemen could not make the group pictures because he was trying to go pee. As his buddies are having the time of their empty bladder lives the “dude with a problem” is walking out of the bathroom regretting the six-pack he just chugged.

But help is on the way my good man. If by chance your problem is caused by an enlarged prostate there is a pill that can help. The even better news is the side effects are so fucking severe that you will be in the bathroom vomiting or shitting out of your ear so peeing regularly will be an afterthought.

Lets move on to my personal favorite. E.D. Yes, it’s so hush, hush that is has a two letter designation. Erectile Dysfunction. These little blue pieces of heaven come in three flavors. 12 hour, 24 hour and the mind blowing 36 hour jackhammer. They do this so that you can absolutely be certain that whatever window of opportunity comes your way to nail the lady friend, your ready to rock.

My question is, can you turn it off? Lets say I know the kid will be out of the house in the next 24 hours. I pop a pill and spend the rest of the day hunched over at my desk because I don’t want to be walking around the house knocking shit off the shelves with my chemically induced ram rod. He leaves, the wife and I get frisky for about… 3-20 minutes depending on what’s on the TV. Now what? I’ve got 1-23 hours left of Barry Bonds in my pants. Do we lance it to let the blood out?

The side effects seem pretty reasonable. Don’t use it in case of a weak heart because you can’t afford too divert any blood flow. If the erection lasts longer than 36 hours take pictures and head to the Bunny Ranch in Nevada.

Now I know that showing these commercials during The View or Regis isn’t hitting the target demographic but come on folks. Once a game is fine. Showing them every commercial break is ridiculous.

Anyway that’s my rant. I will post on my writing which is coming together soon.

Have a great new year.

Also if you suffer from any of the above issues I apologize and suggest you catch a game or two.

-Jim

Weekend Update

My wife and son drove down to California to see her Dad for the holidays. An empty house sucks and they will be gone for a week. Showering has become optional and dinner consists of cereal and lunch meat straight out of the package. My wife, bless her heart, bought me all sorts of meat and vegetables to cook. Eating healthy is a distant second when having to do dishes is involved.

I saw Beowulf this weekend. I liked it, good stuff. My buddy commented on the Angelina scene as we walked out to the lobby, “No wonder Brad is hitting that”. I concur.

I fail to understand why people, young and old, think that they can act like total jackasses when they go to the theatre. Talking through the movie, laughing at inappropriate times, eating like fucking pigs, you name it. Well I reached a boiling point on Friday.

Two guys and a girl, high school’ish, were behind me and a few seats down. They were yacking it up through most of the trailers and in the beginning. At one point where Beowulf was screaming in victory they were laughing out loud. When one of the maidens with big hooters bent over to clean a table and they were bulging out the girl loudly stated a few times that they were “gross”. For the record they weren’t and the guys beside her were strangely quiet. I suspect she will be buying a set once she realizes that men like that kind of shit.

I let it go for a bit but they were really ruining the movie. So I stood up, walked down the aisle, leaned over the seat directly in front of them and said, “We all payed our money to see this movie, I would like to enjoy IT instead of you”. Paused for a moment and walked back to my seat. I used a very low tone so only the three “trouble makers” could hear me.

I was sincere, polite and didn’t use the normally colorful language that I am prone to. They were respectful and quiet the rest of the film. In fact I would say that they got into the movie and perhaps even enjoyed it more. It just pisses me off that it even has to happen.

Seahawks won the division with a 42-21 spanking of the Cardinals. Congratulations and Go ‘Hawks!

Seems like WGA-AMPTP negotiations took step back last week which is unfortunate. Twenty years ago the AMPTP might have got away with acting like buttheads then releasing a statement to the press that they own and spinning the shit out of it. What’s puzzling is apparently they haven’t really kept up with the times. The newspapers are becoming obsolete. There are hundreds of new information streams available to the public that they have no control over. Information, good and bad, is free flowing. It’s up to us to read them all and disseminate in our own minds what is going on...

Or just read Nikki.

My take is the AMPTP are being assholes and the WGA is being a little stiff on some things. Figure this thing out so everyone can get back to work. Merry Christmas guys.

Writing is going OK. I am having some good discussion about my logline over on Blake Snyder’s forums. I don’t have a writers group here in Seattle so it’s nice to get some feedback. Thanks guys.

-Jim

Meaningless deaths or just being a wuss?

I want to discuss two movies that will involve spoilers. So if you haven’t seen “Disturbia” or “The Lookout” then please skip this post.

As if anyone reads this tripe… whatever, here goes.

The first case is “Disturbia”, specifically Officer Gutierrez (played by Jose Pablo Cantillo), that gets called every time Kale, (played by Shia LeBeouf) activates his ankle bracelet. Jose introduces himself as the brother of the teacher Shia hit thus his punishment of house arrest for the summer. This story point establishes added tension to the scenes with these two in it throughout the movie.

During the climax Jose is called to the house because Shia is again beyond the bracelet boundary as he fights his serial killer neighbor, (played menacingly by David Morse), and tries to rescue his mom. As Jose is checking out David’s house David snaps his neck.

I don’t’ see the significance of this event. It served no purpose for the last 10 minutes of the movie. I found myself wondering why the creators decided to go with it. David had already been established as a stone cold killer. Would it not have been better for Jose to be disabled in someway so that Shia could save him? In a round about way this would have made up for hitting his brother the teacher. Instead I left the movie hanging Jose death, in a way, on Shia's head.

The second case is “The Lookout”. Deputy Ted, (played by Sergio Di Zio), is an expecting father who looks in on Chris Pratt, (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt), and brings him doughnuts as Joseph cleans a bank a night.

The scene where Sergio comes into the bank, gun drawn, as the robbers are hiding is seriously intense. His wife has beeped him because she is going into labor and you know he is fucked. Sergio gets shot and then “finished off” with a shotgun to the head.

I love the tension and “aw shit” moment that was created for the film – just awesome. My problem was any empathy I had developed for Joseph’s character to that point went right out the window, to the point that I was pissed. Was this what the creators wanted? I’m not sure. I can tell you that in my perspective the movie really lost all appeal to the point that I really didn’t give a shit what happened to Joseph. He probably needed to die as well for the movie to end well for me.

I loved the scene but I didn’t think they needed to kill the deputy. Perhaps I was supposed to lay blame on the bank robbers but I didn’t. I put it on Josephs head and it ruined the rest of the movie for me.

So there you have it. Tell me what you think. I am interested in hearing other peoples takes and angles on these two story points. I could be that I am just a wuss and need to be a hell of a lot more ruthless with my antagonists. If so, show me the way.

That is all.

-Jim

Long Weekend

I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving. Hold on to your butts this is a long one.

My pre New Years resolution is too post at least three times a week from now on. Not that anyone outside my immediate family reads this blog but that doesn’t mean I don’t have shit to say. The whole “If a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound” theory will be put to the test.

Weekend football roundup:

Sorry Ducks. Season is over. Let’s hope Dixon can get healthy for the draft.

Go Cougars!!!! Great win for the Apple Cup this year.

Go Seahawks! The ball bounces funny sometimes. Thank goodness it bounces our way once in awhile. Note to Mike Holmgren: Loosen the fuck up with the play calling in the 4th quarter and trust your offense. That’s two games you’ve almost lost with your three and out run plays. I like Mike but I think he’s at the end of his career and playing a little tight. Maybe he should take a few during halftime and tug one out… loosen up a little.

Good try Philly. A.J. is gonna be sick until Sundays kick off this week thinking about those interceptions. Was awesome seeing Brady and Moss get knocked on their asses a few plays. They are still the team to beat though. By the way does anyone else have the sneaking suspicion that Belichick is gay?

I saw two movies over the long weekend, both rocked. The first was “No Country For Old Men.” I suspect most of the country, like myself, had no idea who Javier Bardem was. Well holy shit is that about to change. After he cleans house at the award ceremonies expect to see a lot of him in the future.

There is nothing better than a slow moving, deliberate psychopath and Javier pulls it off scene after scene. Anytime he interacted with another human being on screen my ass was clenched so tight I walked out of the theatre feeling like I just got pounded by a rhino. Great toning exercise though, the DVD can double as a workout tape.

Good movie. I won’t give it a “great” because of the ending. I’ve taken to staying put after movies too listen to peoples reactions as they leave. I heard a lot of confused grunting and murmurs. I had flashbacks of the Soprano’s final episode. Overall I enjoyed it.

The second was “The Mist”. It was not what I expected, but in a good way. I liked it, it made me think, and I was disturbed by it. I kept going over in my head what I would have done.

For those of you on the fence about whether or not to go see it I will say this. The “Mist” and the creatures it brings are, in my opinion, secondary to the characters, humanity, and what happens when you put them all in a pressure cooker and turn up the heat. Good, good movie that I will never watch again.

Good reactions from the audience. Been a long time since I was at a movie where people clapped and cheered at pivotal moments. Lots of positive chatter, it’s a thinker.

Audience disturbance wasn’t too bad. My wife would be so proud of me. I restrained myself from turning around halfway during a movie as the ass hat behind me couldn’t handle being “off the grid” for more than an hour so he had to start texting someone. At least have the courtesy to turn off the key stroke beeps dick head.

Moment two was when some lady beside me (a grunter) decided to wait until the movie started to unwrap her ungodly loud cellophane wrapped candy or whatever the fuck it was. Me and another guy on the other side of her leaned forward and stared at her until she stopped. Good times.

Note to moviegoers: Unwrap you shit during the trailers.

For those of you who don’t know what a “grunter” is. It’s the person that grunts every time something happens during the movie like a revelation, gory part, or they are just plain fucking confused. Annoying as hell.

I had a lovely moment when I tried to open my bag of Reeses Pieces. I couldn’t find the pre-cut tear on the package so I grabbed it at the seems and pulled. I must have had a defective package cause this thing was fucking welded shut. It was too late to get the jaws-of-life from the car so I cowboyed up and tugged that fucker like I had a pair…

If you’ve never seen an explosive shower of Reeses Pieces in the dim flicker of a movie light your really missing something. The way the tumbling pieces catch the light as they come crashing down loudly on the cement floor is just…beautiful.

Note to self: Unwrap your shit in the lobby.

Took my son to see Santa Clause. He could barely contain himself until we walked into the room where Santa was sitting. The awe and reverence as he walked up to Santa, hoped on his lap and gave him his list was just priceless. It was a good day.

I video taped the whole thing, I guess I lingered a little long on “Santa’s Little Helper”. When the wife reviewed the tape she congratulated me on the nice “leg shot” I got. Nice of Santa to include something for the adults.

Writing:
Finished the preliminary outline and busted out 15 pages this weekend. Even the wife commented that this one seems to be coming easier for me. We will see.

Going to finish catching up on Sam and Jim go to Hollywood this week. I am really enjoying their podcast.

That is all.

-Jim

Dreams on Spec

A documentary following three aspiring screenwriters through their painful journey of trying to get their shit bought, made, noticed…anything.

All three subjects had industry contacts of some sort. I would have liked to have seen at least one of the subjects living in a dumpster and knocking on doors of agents trying to get noticed, on the outside looking in so to speak.

It seemed like the subjects were concentrating on their one great script that would ascend them to their WGA cards. One of the first things I learned when I began researching screenwriting was always be working on your next script, always be writing. The two subjects that really put all their energies in their current scripts for months, even years were unsuccessful. We entered the story of the third subject at the point where he already had a director interested.

I liked the show. It was funny and sad. It didn’t pull any punches on how tough the industry can be. The interviews with successful screenwriters throughout the movie were great. The DVD has an extended interview extra that’s worth the price in and of itself.

While the realities of becoming a screenwriter are far out there it doesn’t stop me from visualizing what I want and working towards those goals. I want to tell stories for a living.

-Jim

Smokin' Aces

A quick note on NetFlix:

If NetFlix shipped porn it would be the all time greatest internet business model ever. There is more than enough room in the small white envelope for a wet wipe, they need to consider it.

What would be really neat is if IMDB hooked up with NetFlix and as I research movies on IMDB I can click somewhere on the page and add the current movie to my Queue.

So on to Smokin’ Aces…

Not a review per se, more like a short rant.

This was the first movie I could tell a scene was cut immediately.

The small Tremor brother is peeing on the car and the tall buff Tremor brother, (played by Kevin Durand who by the way was voted the funniest new COMEDIAN in CANADA in 1994! Who’d a thought that shit?), looks back at him and all of the sudden they are mad at each other and fighting. I rewound that scene twice to figure out why the hell they were all of the sudden beating the crap out of each other. Totally lost me. Well after the movie I headed over to the extended and cut scene features on the disk and there it was. About a minute worth of dialog triggers the fight. Not sure why the cut it but I thought it was cool I caught it.

Entertaining film over all. Alicia Keys is hot. Lot’s of gun play. The ADD Karate Kid was disturbing yet funny. I was hoping to see more of Jeremy Piven but there were too many other characters to cover. Still holding out for PCU 2.

There is a short documentary about the director that I think I enjoyed more than the movie.

-Jim