The Horror

I am sitting at light yesterday when through my side view mirror a catch a glimpse of a fairly attractive blond sitting in a massive gray Ford 150. I can see her designer nails on the steering wheel from two cars down, we’re talking one of those high maintenance chicks.

I glance up to check the light and back over to the mirror to see, to my amusement, the lady has her $60 nail knuckle deep in her nose. Now I know objects in the mirror may appear closer than they are, but this bitch was strip mining.

Hey, who am I to judge right? So I shrug it off and laugh about it until I look back and the unthinkable happens. If I’m lying I’m dying and you can iron the wrinkles out of my nut sack, this chick ATE THE BOOGERS.

Like she was spooning Rocky Road out of her snot locker she was digging that shit out and going right to the mouth with it. Congratulations to whoever she’s banging, I doubt she brushes or flosses after the drive at five snacks.

A woman down in California needed her appendix removed but didn’t want the scares. So some doctors got together and decided to remove it, through her vagina. How awesome is that? I think more surgeries should be done through random orifices. Laser eye surgery through the ass, tummy tuck through my pee whole. Come on guys lets get crazy here.

Brainstorming a few more story points on my space adventure script, I’ve almost completed the beat sheet. The title sucks but like most of my ideas I will have an epiphany at some point and it will work.

My scribosphere mate Matt has taken down his blog shingle. I wish him the best.

-Jim

Pulling Teeth

Stingrays have apparently declared jihad on the human race. First Steve Irwin gets one in the chest now they are leaping into boats and killing soccer moms. Stay tuned for "Open Water 2: Stingray". The plot will of course blame global warming.

The Euro is crushing the American dollar. Exchange rate is something like $1.57 per. I can’t wait for the “Amero” (google that shit).

I love the interweb and all its tubes and highways. I truly think that the only way we are going to survive as a society is if people educate themselves. Not only within your own comfort zone and belief system but go outside and see what the other folks are thinking and talking about. Fanaticism on any level about anything is unhealthy.

Just ask my wife about me and my Seahawks….

Fark Headline of the Day:
McCartney fans say his latest album contains hidden jibes at Heather Mills, because "Mister Bellamy" is an anagram of "Mills Betray Me." In other news, Sir Paul McCartney is an anagram of "Crispy Anal Rectum"

-Jim

Random Synchronicity

If you’re caged in a cubicle all day like myself and enjoy your music head over to www.pandora.com. It’s a streaming site that allows you to set up “stations” and tweak the content based on songs or artists. I think I discovered it from Emily over at www.whiteboardmarkers.com so credit goes to her. I have a techno-industrial channel and an alternative rock channel that I switch back and forth between. Nothing like crankin out code to KMFDM! Anyways check it out.

I’m bored so I thought I would toss out some odd shit about me…

I think the moon landing was a hoax. For those of you who are still here it’s just one of those fun conspiracy theories that I indulge. I would go into an explanation of why but I will leave that for another post. In the mean time raise your hand if you can tell me why the flag in the above picture is waving, on the moon, with no atmosphere, and no wind?

I think we are the remnants of a much more advanced civilization. I think we achieved as a society then wiped ourselves out. We are in the process of rebuilding. Lets hope we don’t fuck up this time.

I hate watermelon. Got sick on it as a kid not I can’t stand the smell.

I think oil is abiotic and not a fossil fuel. I think we purchase oil from OPEC as a concession for keeping Israel safe and on the map.

I lived a large portion of my teenage life overseas.

I finished high school in a small logging town in Oregon. Watch “Ax Men” on the History channel if you get the chance. Those boys are some grizzled sons of bitches let me tell you. That and Deadliest Catch on Discovery are the only “reality” shows I watch.

I don’t believe, I think.

-Jim

Fruit Salad... yummy yummy

Taking my son to see The Wiggles today. He is jacked up about it, running around and bouncing off the walls. For those of you that don’t know who The Wiggles are its four Australians singing about fruit salad while a guy dressed up as a pirate wielding a sword made of feathers chases a female dinsoaur around the stage while a large dog and octopus frolic in the background. It's my goal in life to pitch that movie some day. I love my son, what can I say?

Took a beating on my March Madness bracket yesterday. I am all about the underdog and I think only one lower seed won yesterday. Oh well… GO WASHINGTON ST. COUGARS!

Barry Bonds has not signed with a team yet. The league is investigating collusion charges because of it. Come on. The guy is a douche nozzle and any team that signs that bloated prick will be hated for a decade. I predict the newest curse in baseball will be the Bonds curse. Anyone who signs that ass hat will spend the next century in the cellar. I hear the Mariners are looking for a bench weight…

Looking more and more like the “Hawks are gonna boot Alexander to the curb. To bad, I liked the guy, wish he ran harder. Should have put and APB out on his nuts a few years ago, maybe he would still be running like he had a pair.

Couple more paragraphs of writing done yesterday. I’ve “shot” my heroes up a tree and threw a massive asteroid at them… trying to figure out how to get them down now. Having fun.

The Everett Silvertips face off against the Spokane Chiefs tonight in the first round of the WHL Playoffs. GO TIPS!

No stock market activity today, they all get Good Friday off. WTF is that about? Answer coming tomorrow.

Fark Headline of the Day (from here on out known as FHD)
“Turkey bombs Kurds, claims they're getting in the whey”

Off like a dirty shirt

-Jim

Hump day + 1

In an effort to post more often I will attempt to write something, anything, every day.

Working on a space story that my brother Haans and I have been tossing back and forth, high concept wise think Con-Air in space. Wouldn't it be a bitch if first contact with an alien intelligence was a prison ship?

March madness starts today. Go Portland State!

Grats to my Hustlin' Owls of the Oregon Institute of Technology (class of 2001) for capturing the NAIA Div II National Championship. GO HOOTERS!

Doing lots of math these days at work. Writing a graphing engine and had to bust out the trigonometry to figure out some shit. When was the last time you used SOH-CAH-TOA in your daily life? I collapsed shortly after the build.

Fark Headline of the Day
“Man facing 40 years in prison after his wife turned off his television and he used his gun as universal remote” The strange part is it isn’t even football season yet…

This is me, tonsil free, signing off...

-Jim